Search for Meaning

For much of my life, I was obsessed with finding meaning and purpose. Growing up in an unhappy household, I resolved that my future would be defined by financial independence and personal success. This drive became my sole focus, consuming over a decade of my life. I poured every ounce of energy into studying, achieving top grades, and securing a place at a prestigious university. In my single-minded pursuit of success, I neglected my wellbeing, friendships, and the world around me. The present moment felt irrelevant compared to the promise of a better future.

In high school, I was profoundly unhappy. While other students partied and socialized, I invested all my allowance in books and nutritious food, striving for academic excellence and good health. My social circle was limited, and although my grades were outstanding, I was unforgivingly critical of myself. A score of 99.5% was a source of frustration rather than pride, leading me to study even harder.

College presented a new challenge. Admitted to a top private university, I knew it lacked the program I truly wanted. But I had chosen it for its prestige, hoping it would secure a brighter future. Isolated within my academic environment and dismissive of extracurricular activities, I soon fell into a deep depression, unable to connect meaningfully with others.

As an adult, my quest for meaning continued. I got married, only to be divorced after four years. I built a company, but felt increasingly isolated as my peers did well in larger corporations. I traveled the world, only to find the novelty wear off quickly. Volunteering at numerous nonprofits left me exhausted. Despite these efforts, I felt like a failure, unable to find the meaningful life I had been searching for.

In my search for answers, I turned to the teachings of the Buddha.

The insights I received were eye-opening:

First, the Buddha advised me not to search for meaning. Instead, he suggested that living in the present moment is sufficient for a purposeful life. Not everyone is destined to make groundbreaking inventions or achieve extraordinary feats. Life is not a destination or a path; it simply is. We do not need to search for purpose because it will come to us. Life belongs to everyone, not just to individuals.

Second, the Buddha acknowledged that everyone has regrets. Reflecting on my life, I wondered if I could have avoided my mistakes. The answer was yes, but what matters now is moving forward. Even enlightened beings have regrets. They, too, must navigate the mundane aspects of life—eating, sleeping, and taking out the trash. Enlightenment does not transform the world into a utopia; existential problems persist.

The Buddha’s teachings encouraged me to view life differently: as a purposeless journey. This perspective aligns with living in the present moment. By focusing on one breath at a time and responding to what is before us, we can let go of past and future concerns. Rev. Gyomay Kubose’s book “The Center Within” captures this concept beautifully: 

"A biologist might claim that a flower blooms to attract insects which then spread the pollen. But the flower itself cannot help but bloom as it does—there is no intention. Water flows effortlessly. It cannot help but flow—that is the way it is. Effortless effort, purposeless purpose, this is the real way of life."

Adjusting to this new perspective has been challenging. My conditioned mindset was fearful of letting go of control. I worried that if I relinquished my grip, my life would unravel. Yet, by embracing a purposeless approach, I found some relief from existential angst. However, a new challenge emerged: the feeling of lacking purpose. My mind often wanders, fearing that I am missing out on building a better future.

I discovered that setting small, achievable goals while letting go of rigid outcomes brings the greatest happiness. By viewing each day as full of possibilities without imposing excessive pressure on myself, I find contentment.

The Bodhisattva vows also offer valuable insight:

1. Sentient beings are numberless; I vow to save them.

2. Delusions are endless; I vow to see through them.

3. The teachings are infinite; I vow to learn them.

4. The Buddha way is difficult; I vow to walk the path.

While the fourth vow acknowledges the difficulty of the path, I would argue that it is not merely challenging but seemingly impossible. The purpose of saving all sentient beings, like achieving an ultimate purpose, is unattainable. Instead, we should focus on discovering what is true and beautiful to ourselves and follow that path. The Middle Way, as taught by the Buddha, is a personal journey of balance that each of us can define for ourselves over time.

Many monks do not have the answer. I only hope that I will be able to learn to navigate life as it comes to me each and every day.